we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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