I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
it's not cheating when I paid for it
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
