New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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