I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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