dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
