Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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