and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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