I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
