then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
