the condom got lost in my hair
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
