i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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