if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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