the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
