My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
