His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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