Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
we're so committed to being not committed
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
