i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
