I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
