just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize