Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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