just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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