I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
