I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
