since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
