how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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