i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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