1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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