Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
she pinky promised me she was 18
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
