wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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