I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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