Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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