That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
