I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
