ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
