my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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