my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
