I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
