dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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