There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
