I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
