i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
