I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
