Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
