totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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