you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
