as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize