I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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