Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
don't judge my taste in strippers
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
