The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
you had me at cake vodka
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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