I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
