who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize