need another drink. this is the easiest way
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
