Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
