I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
