so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize