I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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