The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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