I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
