dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
