why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Drunk is a universal language darling
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
